Quotes of the week

"I have not seen it on TV and I was 30 metres away. Malouda opens his legs to let the ball run and he is brought down from behind - I think it's a penalty" - Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho's not fooling anyone with his insistence that referee Rob Styles got it right at Anfield

"There were 45,000 people here and they could not see a penalty, and that is why Jose Mourinho could not see it" - Rafa Benitez, undoubtedly stroking his ludicrous goatie, hits back at his old pal in their now customary verbal sparring

"Do I think my players surround the referee? I have a naive team. We do not have any divers, no violent people, we do not have nasty tackles. It's a pure team" - Mourinho obviously already no longer considers notorious diver Arjen Robben part of his whiter-than-white Chelsea squad

"If that's the case then I'm Little Red Riding Hood!" - It's advantage Benitez, though, as he has the final word

"I thought there were whispers last year and there are whispers at any club all the time. I don't know if I'm being undermined, I don't think so, but you never know. I would not have made a big bet on my situation. The only thing for me is that it was a bit early, you say early doors in England" - Martin Jol doesn't sound too convinced about his job prospects at White Hart Lane, despite showing an admirable grasp of English slang

"I can't f****** take any criticism" - Jol again, although it remains to be seen whether said criticism's from Spurs chairman Daniel Levy, striker Dimitar Berbatov or Mrs Jol

"It was a dizzying offer" - Juande Ramos reportedly turns down big bucks to join Spurs; Jol's thoughts on the matter were probably unrepeatable!

"I never got an offer to take charge of the club. When I described a possible offer as 'dizzying', I only meant the kind of money English clubs can pay at the moment makes any possible offer dizzying" - Ramos backtracks, rather unconvincingly, just 24 hours later

"I've got four women in my house - my wife and my three daughters - and I tell you what, it's pretty scary. I keep my head down and, if we're out shopping, I try to look in a man's shop while they make their minds up" - Plymouth manager and quotes of the week favourite Ian Holloway admits Roy Keane's a braver man than him when it comes to criticising WAGs

"I love the big man, absolutely brilliant. Some of the films were a bit dodgy. That one where he was diving off a cliff, climbed back up to the top, his hair was immaculate and he wasn't even wet... and for me that's why he's the King" - The man will dish out a quote about anything - this time it's Holloway on Elvis, 30 years on from the bequiffed crooner's death

"You're camp and you know you are!" - Leyton Orient fans pull off the chant of the season so far at the expense of QPR goalkeeper Lee Camp. Well, they've got a point haven't they?

"Twelve more points to go, until we get to zero!" - But the Leeds fans give them a run for their money, in reference to the 12-point deficit they still have in League One despite beating Tranmere

"The Premier League is our meat and potatoes and Europe is our dessert" - No, we've no idea what Blackburn skipper Ryan Nelsen's talking about either

"We are like the primary school boys walking into the secondary school for the first time and finding out who the bullys are" - Derby boss Billy Davies is finding the Premiership a struggle, although we're fairly sure no-one's stuck his head down the toilet just yet

"I am frustrated because three matches is unjust. I am willing to resist the provocation but only up to a limit. That limit was passed at Portsmouth. It was just absurd" - Manchester United midfielder Cristiano Ronaldo's feeling bullied too but that's no excuse for headbutting an opponent. Two wrongs don't make a right, Cristiano

"If Sven keeps on like this he'll be the next England manager!" - Perma-tanned Match of the Day anchor Gary Lineker shocks football by cracking a gag that's actually quite funny

"Do I worry about my place? Yes, definitely. I'm very disappointed with how I played" - A massive understatement from Paul Robinson after yet another massive howler against Germany